I am undone.
Will life ever get better?
Will I ever be happy with myself?
The plague of doubt creeps deeper and deeper.
The ability to see a small light in the distance wishing for it to grow closer, but never seeing it grow.
Continually breaking myself down, but never building myself back up.
I sit here undone.
No more will I sit here undone.
A fire has been lit, the change is coming.
Never will I sit here undone.
I will make the light grow and become a reality.
I will not be undone.
Beauty. Beauty has changed many times throughout the years and we unfortunately live in a time where most people value beauty over other things. I am guilty of this because no one is perfect.
I am far from what is considered beautiful and in fact am seen as very unhealthy. This is one of the changes I need to make in my life, not just for the sake of beauty, but for the sake of my health. I need to get more active and change my whole lifestyle around. I wonder what it would be like to feel good about myself and feel healthy. I think to myself and try to remember a time that I did feel good and feel healthy, but I just cannot think of one.
It is a sad thing to think that I have never felt healthy. If I can start by getting active then I believe I can start to change my diet which will need to be a huge 360 change. I just hope that I can find support in this decision because I know that my family, the people I live with, will just write it off and set me up to fail and this time I cannot fail because I fear if I don’t change this now then I never will.
Do you feel that you are important to someone?
As of late I cannot say that I have felt important to someone. I know too well the feeling of getting used, but fail to feel important. I have had very few people that I have ever felt important to. Eventually that feeling faded and rather quickly at that. When you have to be the one to try, all of the time, to keep them in your life then you become exhausted. If you stop trying the fault gets put onto you when it is a matter of drifting apart rather than it being someone’s fault.
I think that people would rather put the fault onto someone else rather than share responsibility for the relationship drifting. However, there are those that just blatantly end things and it makes you wonder what you would prefer. For things to end quickly or for you to hold onto the hope of salvaging the relationship as it collapses.
In either case you are left wondering what you did wrong when in all fairness there might not have been anything that you did wrong. Nothing will end things faster than both sides feeling that they are not important to the other and honestly it makes you feel like shit.
We then are expected to pick ourselves up and live normally as if nothing has happened. Some people can do this easier than others. I have always been someone that delved into whatever it was that I was working on that week whether it was with school or work. It is not healthy to always do this because then you never really give yourself the chance to grieve at the loss or face the truth, but instead you are hiding/running from the problem.
Right now I face many problems. Most of them are with the way I feel about myself. This lack of feeling important is one of them and I realize that I have to be important to myself before I will be able to feel important to anyone. I must love myself first before I can love anyone else or anyone else can love me. And so as fleeing as this may sound I must get to work. Working on feeling better about who I am as well as finding the person I am turning into and loving that person so that I may love someone else and someone else may love me.
It is difficult to find the right words to say to people. When you don’t know if something wrong has been done or you feel that you should apologize, but also feel like there should be no reason to apologize. It is often difficult to find the words in many social situations, well for me at least.
It is difficult to find the right words to help someone or to even be able to help yourself with words. Conversation can be difficult for everyone. I often find myself struggling with day to day conversation because I just don’t really have a thought or opinion on something when someone is talking to me.
So how does someone keep the lines of communication open or even find something interesting to talk about with new people? Not everyone has great social conversation skills. I know I don’t.
Therefor I find words to be tricky. Writing & speaking are two different things to me. Given the time I feel I am better at writing words than I am at speaking them. I’ve never been great at writing academically, but to get my point and express myself I feel that I am much better with the written word than the spoken word.
There is something to be said in that I guess. Though it has never been a dream of mine to be a writer I have come back to this blog/site to continue to express myself in writing. I hope that someone may find some truth in what I have to say and I will try to write more. There is a lot of work that I am doing on myself. Let’s hope that writing it down will make it more permanent of a change.
It amazes me how one person could just completely change your mood. For me this person has just knocked me out of normalcy this past week. I was moving on and moving forward, making plans for my future. Then my mood just completely changed after that message. I haven’t responded. I don’t know how. A sorry excuse for an apology, but an apology none the less and in today society those are few and far between.
How are people supposed to be able to move forward and move on with their lives if the people that hurt and manipulate them can still have such an impact on their moods and thought?
For me, I am not handling this situation very well. Maybe it’s because I don’t know if I should forgive this person, but for now I have chosen not to respond. Though it weighs deeply on my mind, I know that it is right for me not to respond. I don’t think that it is right for everyone not to respond when this type of situation arises. Some might even think “how could you not respond?” and simply put, it’s because of what that box might open. What that one message might do.
You have to treat yourself as a priority or no one else will. You have to accept the consequences of the decisions you make in order to move forward and grow from the experiences that you live through. Without growth we do not learn and without learning there is no moving forward, you would just become caught in an endless cycle of repeating your mistakes which unfortunately happens more often than you can think.
Find the people who support you for you and who don’t try to change you. You shouldn’t need to change unless you want yourself to change. Not everyone is going to understand the decisions that you make and not everyone is going to be happy with them, but that is something that occurs with life. It is about empowering yourself and not letting the one person have an impact on your life once you have begun moving on. Allowing yourself to hold power of your life as to not be dependent on another, but rather learning to collaborate your life with the right persons.
We need others’ to survive and to love. To learn from and grow with.
“Your prison is walking through this world all alone”- Desperado- The Eagles
I’m not normally one to give my opinion on things or even really convey my thoughts, so I decided to challenge myself. I’m going to use this blog as sort of a journal to express what I am thinking. I plan on giving my opinion on certain topics I find personally interesting and though you may have your own opinion on things I too have mine. I know not everyone is going to agree with what I have to say and I honestly believe that to be a wonderful thing because if we all agreed with what everyone had to say we wouldn’t be individualistic.
Listening to other peoples opinions offers us a chance to grow and a chance to learn. There is that part in all of us that knows that we may be wrong in some things that we believe so reading and taking into account where other people have shaped their opinions just offers us the chance to understand who we are and why we believe the things that we believe.
I welcome you to my thoughts and opinions as I begin this journey into further finding myself and hope that you too will choose to challenge yourself in sharing who you are and what you think of my thoughts.